Wedding Day

To me, I only get one of these days. So excited to marry my best friend, the man of my dreams, the only person that has shown me what true, real love is. What a man, what a man, what a mighty good man that I get to marry. I feel I don’t deserve him. I’m not good enough. Insecurities rush in before our wedding. Definitely not a blissful bride to be.

In hindsight, I wonder if I knew. Knew what was about to come. Knew they would ruin it, just like most other important things to me in my life.

First disappointment: Dad ditches out on my wedding day last minute because he finds out Uncle will be there. Who will walk me down the aisle? Embarrassed, alone, abandoned.

I embarrassingly ask Stepdad – the one who’s always looked at me sexually and made me uncomfortable to walk me down the aisle with Mother. He agrees.

“What should I wear?!” Mother anxiously asks me. “I’m so fat! How am I going to look? Everyone will be looking at me!” As if she had zero capability of actually being there for me. I should have known.

Wedding day arrives. I get ready by myself, show up to the venue where Mother and Brother are waiting for me in the bride’s suite. We’re all ready to walk down the aisle, except, where is Stepdad? He’s drunk. “Pulled his back that morning and drank to make the pain go away.” Is what I’m told. He also forgot his dress shoes at the hotel delaying the wedding to drive back. Mother asks me if he can just walk me down the aisle in his flip flops to save time. “No way.” I beg. Mother pacing back and forth and back and forth, anxiously starring out the window looking for drunk Stepdad.

Minutes agonizingly go by in the bride’s suite with Mother and silent Brother: No compliments. NOTHING. No “Honey, you look so beautiful. This is your moment! I love you and am so proud of you. I can’t believe my baby girl is getting married!”

**I actually start sweating just typing that. I should have known. I had never heard words even remotely close to that my entire life.

Brother is awkwardly standing there as he opens my card showing my appreciation for him being there. Saying thank you to me would be him showing weakness. Saying anything nice to me would counteract his lifetime of abusive insults toward me, so he just gives me an uncomfortable nod. The photographer asks if she can get a few shots. Asks us if we can get together. It’s as if he doesn’t even know me. So awkward and embarrassing. This family of mine. I wish I knew. Why did I actually think they could stop thinking of themselves for one day to be here for me? I’m so alone. Husband is at the alter probably wondering why I haven’t walked down the aisle yet. It’s 15 minutes past the time I was supposed to. I ask someone to get him. I can’t handle these people in this tiny room with me. How am I still care-taking them on MY day? Why can they not ruin something for me? Why can they not be here for me for a couple of hours?

I tell Husband “I’m going crazy. Stepdad is drunk and forgot his dress shoes which is why we’ve all been sitting here waiting for 15 minutes now.” I need to look into someone’s loving eyes. My life raft. Look at my mess of a family. Do I deserve this amazing man in front of me? Panic.

Stepdad shows up. Beat red, no apology. No words. Finally ready to go. I feel like I’m holding him up as he embarrassingly, drunkenly bawls his eyes out the entire way down the aisle. Why is he acting like this? Still needing to be the center of attention while Mother is anxiously fidgeting with her bra strap wondering how SHE looks.

“Look into his eyes.” I say to myself as if I’m a yolk holding these two weights on each side of me getting them down this aisle. “I can do this. I’ll do anything to get to this man. This amazing man that has shown me such a foreign side of love I’m not sure I deserve.”

I drop Mother and drunk, bawling, tomato-red Stepdad off at the end of the aisle as I fall into Husband’s gaze and loving grip.

As time goes on into happily married life, I work up the courage to tell Mother how disappointing they acted on my wedding day. That I felt like they ruined my day. How I felt so embarrassed. She barks back “We were all there for you! We didn’t have to be there you know.” No apology, still to this day. I will never get one.

I should have known.